I do not know what I should say. You know sometimes you find out there is something wrong within yourself. You know the exact problem, You want to solve it, but there is something stronger than you and it is you. There is a big fight inside me and I should kill myself within. Each side wins there is a loser left who is me. It is a big paradoxical problem. I'm the winner and the loser of a big battle but I hope for the good side (The side of the light) to win. I will kill myself for this side believe me.
Arash